Planet Side
by walkingdisastersharkchild
Summary: Collection of drabble-esque stories, both games. Based on prompts, ideas and one-liners. Various pairings and characters. Some humorous, some not-so-humorous.
1. Prompt: Put Some Ice On It

**Any ideas for stories, prompts, random sayings, etc, pop them in a review. Yours are probably better than mine.  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>Shepard crossed her arms as she stared at the Lieutenant, currently resting in the med-bay. He should have told her if there was going to be a problem. He said he would, <em>promised<em> her even. It was childlike of her to get angry over that, but worry was gnawing away at her stomach along with a fierce rage that he hadn't said a damn thing. The anger was winning the battle, but the worry was winning the war.

Said Lieutenant just groaned and covered his eyes with his arm. "Go away, Shepard." It was so unlike him, and later, he would sulk about it. But right now, he felt like his eyes were trying to push their way out of their sockets, and his temples were going to collapse inwards at the same time, with his brain exploding somewhere in the background. This had to be one of his worst, surely.

Shepard sniffed in that haughty way she had learnt to by the time she was two, and stepped further in to the med-bay, doors sliding shut behind her. Her anger started to melt as she drew closer to his side, turning to genuine worry when he told her to leave once more. She ignored the force behind his words, fingers pressing lightly into the mattress as she leaned over him, trying to look at _him_ and not his arm.

"Kaidan, have they given you anything?"

Her fingers danced along his arm, reaching towards his fingers and tugging the limb away. His light eyes had taken on a darker shade due to the pain, blinking slowly as they adjusted to the dimly lit room. She looked incredibly pale, worry singing through her eyes. Blue shimmered across her skin, reacting to the intense emotion. He found it mesmerising, remembering after a few moments she had asked him a simple enough question.

"It hasn't set in yet."

Shepard swore lightly under her breath, and walked around the med-bay, fishing through cabinets and the fridge for something only she knew what to grab. Kaidan watched her with interest, wincing as it took a great deal out of him. He could never really tell what his Commander was up to. This was just another one of those moments where he settled for just watching and not questioning.

He would figure it out, eventually.

Returning to his bedside, she placed her treasures on the table. Gently, she helped him into a sitting position, stopping at the right times before things got worse. When Kaidan was sitting as upright as he could stand, she slipped up on the bed behind him, placing a pillow in her lap and pressing him back down. Her hands were quite cool against his skin, and he felt relief flood through him, leaving just as fast when her hands left him.

"What are you doing?"

Her hands swept across his forehead, and he watched her frown. She reached out towards the bowl on the table, it moving closer to her hands with the aid of a flash of blue, and she dipped her fingertips in.

About to repeat his question, Kaidan's words cut short at the light pressure on his temples. The chill from her fingertips was oddly soothing, as were the small circles she rubbed into his skin.

He figured out what was in the bowl, and was terribly thankful.

"I used to get terrible headaches when I was younger, and my mother would do this for me."

Kaidan's eyes snapped open, looking up at her. She never talked about her family, but there she was, eyes distant as she continued her rhythm on his skin. She was lost in the past. He kept his mouth shut, willing himself not to ask questions.

"Turns out, one of my older brothers and some other children had the same problem. I mean, none of us had implants, or knew what they really were at that time. And no one was willing to stick their head in a freezer to stop the heat, so mum started this up. Really worked, too."

Her eyes became clear once more, and she smiled. It was odd, upside down, but Kaidan smiled back. She laughed lightly at the expression, and placed a quick kiss against his lips, her hands continuing their handiwork.

His migraine hadn't gone, but the meds kicked in and he felt himself drifting. Shepard shifted under him, stretching her legs out and pulling him up so his head lay on her stomach. It was an odd position, and would severely impact the both of them if anyone caught them, but Kaidan found that he really didn't care, and that he was going to enjoy this as much as he could.

Hours later, Dr Chakwas stepped into the med-bay, not at all surprised the room was dimmed and seeing the rough outline of Lieutenant Alenko, who was on the same bed as last time. She didn't anticipate Commander Shepard to be there as well, running her hands through his hair, looking ever so concerned as the Lieutenant snoozed and was clearly quite content with the person he was sleeping on.

Chakwas just settled herself at her computer, nodding towards the Commander who, for once, didn't jump at the unannounced presence, and continued her work. Later, much later, she would tease the pair of lovebirds.

Right now, however, she had to deal with a report.


	2. Prompt: UBT

**Promt: UBT - unidentified black thing  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>"<em>Bow-chica-wow-wow<em>."

A grin threatened to overtake her features, so, she settled for an all-knowing smirk as she caught Shepard and Kaidan in a _very_ compromising situation. The situation was also a little kinky, for her tastes, but with Shepard, who could tell? The woman barely gave off any emotion or noise, aside from utter boredom and the odd grunt.

_Oh, God, the woman _was_ kinky!_

"Skipper, if he wore looser pants it might help …?"

Ashley squeaked as an unidentified black _thing_ was thrown at her face, gnashing fangs and growling. When it had disappeared amongst other cargo, she shuddered, and threw a dirty look back at the thrower of all things nasty.

"What was _that_?"

Her question was ignored, as the Commander just grinned. "Chief, did you just _squeak_?"

"No! I just -" She motioned to wherever that thing had landed; trying to get her point across that it almost gnawed her face off. Who _throws_ things like that? Shepard was the only plausible answer, next to krogans.

Ashley's movements stopped short, the grin finally spilling over as she caught sight of the couple and what it really _did_ look like they were doing from her angle. Not that she was interested in watching other people of course, but the Lieutenant's reaction was just ridiculous. Wasn't he older than the Skipper?

Kaidan caught Ashley's staring, and physically felt his face turn a darker shade of red, if that was possible. Shepard, on the other hand, pointedly ignored Ashley and continued to clean off the wound inflicted by the unidentified thing. Thankfully, no one lost any limbs that day.

He wondered if Shepard felt the heat off his face, and she looked back at Ashley, eyebrows raised. Shepard looked like she knew exactly what Ashley was going to say, but wondered if she had the balls to. Well, she would just have to show the Skipper whose were brassier then.

"Would you like me to pass along the information of the Skipper's choice in underwear? Will that help speed things along for you? Your lady likes a little lace in her life, Lieutenant. Very against regulations, by the way, but you two seem to have a thing against the rule-book."

It was Shepard's turn to blush, and Ashley almost thought she had stepped over the line _this_ time when she caught the Commander's glare.

"It helped I take it?"

She heard the distinct sound of gnashing teeth and turned around slowly.

With a terrified yelp, Ashley fled the area, swearing profusely that she will have her revenge. Shepard would have laughed, had she not been so worried about pulling her pants up that _little bit higher_ to hide her underwear.

Kaidan just sat back, ignoring the pain from his leg, and tried to think of anything other than lacy undergarments.


	3. Prompt: Humanity

**Unsure whether or not I'm going to do a 100-themes with my Shepard, and start this over again later, or just leave it for a while. Opinions please? **

**Promt: Humanity  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>Chakwas sighed at the sight of the drunk Commander before her. She never really expected her to go ahead with drowning her sorrows, but she was human, just like the rest of them. In some respects, of course.<p>

When she was settled on a bed, she blinked slowly at the doctor, looking on the verge of tears. Chakwas just settled herself back down at her computer, keeping an eye on Shepard the whole time. She was ready to hit the Commander up with anything that would kill the mood she was about to have - it wouldn't have been the first time that horrors had found their way back to the Commander.

The Commander just sighed loudly and flopped back down on the bed, hands under her head and legs crossed at the ankles. Even a drunk Commander Shepard held that _superiority_, that _arrogance_, that got her to this position.

_And made her as miserable as hell_, Chakwas mused.

Time passed by, and Chakwas almost thought the Commander was asleep. Almost.

"Doc, I'm wondering, what makes a human a _human_?"

The question surprised Chakwas, making her give Shepard her full attention. It was an unexpected turn of events, but Shepard didn't stop, prattling on.

"Is it their heart? Their brain? Does a soul really exist?"

Shepard sighed again, sounding quite defeated. Another few moments, and her breath slowed once more. She had fallen quiet, as if awaiting an answer.

"Shepard, I honestly wouldn't know."

The Commander remained quiet, before a small, "you're a doctor, you're supposed to know" left her.

Chakwas just stared at the Commander, unsure of how to respond.


	4. Prompt: Technicalities aside

**Hmmm, I think this might actually expand into a proper story. One of these days. So, this could be considered a preview ...?  
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**Prompt: Technicalities aside, he's a mindreader.  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>Jack let her eyes fall on the man standing in front of her, perfectly relaxed and even <em>smiling<em> at the bastard who was waving his arms around, threatening the both of them. Well, Shepard mostly, but that man was invincible, and the tirade from the fuckhead didn't seem to penetrate any sort of mental armour Shepard had. She figured being raised in Earth's slums, and surviving Akuze would do that to you, but he never said a word. Just to find out those two things, took a _lot_ of convincing. Too much. Now she had debts.

But, she hated it when Shepard was _angelic_ and let shit slide. When they ran into each, _no_, he was pissed and swearing and threatening to kill her if she didn't follow orders, because someone had tried to sell him on the black market and _he was not going to let that slide, no sir_. The next time they encountered crazies, he was calm, cool, cavalier. And after that. And after that.

She had only ever seen _nice_ Shepard since being 'recruited'. Not the Shepard Garrus talked about sometimes, or the one Cheerleader groused over. It pissed her off to no end. She wanted to see Shepard do something _spontaneous_, like beating the shit out of someone.

She wished Shepard would just let _her_ beat the shit out of the dick. Her new implants needed to have some serious testing, and this guy was just _begging_ to be thrown across the Zakera Ward. He was rather fat, clearly drunk, and _pissing_ on Shepard's parade.

And, it wouldn't technically be on Shepard's subconcious. _Technically_. And he was all about the technicalities of situations.

Taking a step forward, she let a frustrated sigh leave her. It was two on one! _Easy_. Kill him and _go_. That way they could go wherever Shepard was leading, drink, and fall into a heap _somewhere_. Preferably away from fat bastards who didn't know danger when it came up and smacked them in the face. Or throw them over promenades.

She saw Shepard's hand twitch, just slightly, and stepped back.

_Fina-fucking-ly_.

She hadn't been paying attention to what the man was saying, but he had _finally_ pissed Shepard off. _Thank fuck._

Shepard grabbed the front of the man's shirt, and she stretched just a little bit to see the side of Shepard she was most interested in. His response hit her hard, and she blinked. _Did I hear that right?_

"You insult her again, and we'll see just how tough you really are."

The man spat in Shepard's face, and was dropped, landing in a heap on the floor. He moaned a little as his head hit the ground with a loud _smack_.

Shepard stepped back, and waved his hand at Jack. The man on the ground didn't have time to think, and went sailing over the heads of passerbys, screaming for dear life.

Jack cracked her knuckles, and looked at Shepard. She paused at the odd expression on his face, which cleared up almost instantly. Now, he was confusing her. _Fuck, I need a drink_.

He scratched his cheek absentmindedly, but gave her a stern look. "This is on my subconcious, whether you like it or not." He walked straight ahead, not even turning to see if she was following.

"How do you do that?"


	5. Prompt: Should have worded it better

**Totally could have happened. PLOT TWIST!  
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**Prompt: Should have worded it better.  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>He was leaning against the railing, facing her, arms crossed and a broad grin on his face. It was nearly three years on since they had been in this spot together, but they were down a man now. That wound was still stinging. El-Tee's last words still hung around her. She hated ghosts. And that ghosts never truly left.<p>

"Don't keep me in suspense. I hate surprises. Well, the ones I _can't_ shoot anyway."

And she hated ghosts that were reanimated most. Trust Cerberus to decide that they could make the dead come back. They did, but that was beside the point.

They should have changed his humour though. She wished Shepard would just be serious. Just _once_. She hated jokers - _Joker_ wasn't too bad, because you knew it was coming. _Jokers_, like Shepard, were the worst kind._ Joie de vivre_ at its finest.

Shifting her weight to her other foot, she crossed her arms over her chest. She didn't say anything. Not until he shut the hell up.

Sighing, Shepard turned, resting his elbows on the railing.

"Remember when Alenko commented on the nebula? And the _amazing_ fact that this place was more than just a hub?"

"Shepard, I remember. I just ... I need you to listen."

She leaned on the railing beside him. Bumping shoulders this time because, hell, they were both Spectres, and regs really didn't hold either of them anymore. Not since he died, and she climbed ranks. And then he came back to life, worked with Cerberus a bit, blew up their unit and kind of slid right back in to Alliance military. That was just brushing over the details.

"I really do have something to tell you."

"If it is the skirt thing again, I do remember. Although, give me a month ..." He winked. She frowned.

"Jack, stop."

He was frowning now. Everything but his surname kind of died when he joined the Alliance. Only his mother ever addressed him fully_. Jack Alfred Brian Shepard, how dare you steal that car! _He smiled wistfully at that.

"Just, let me try to say this."

"Shoot, Ash. Not literally, but shoot."

She gripped the railing. "_Shut up_. Look, I honestly don't know any other way to say this ..."

"But?"

A pause. A pause that if it lasted any longer, she would just walk away. She blurted out what she meant to say clearly, and Shepard all but blinked.

"Sorry. I can understand quite a few languages, but I seem to be missing one cruicial one: _Ashley Williams_."

She took a deep, calming breath, before looking him straight in the eye. "Jack, I had your kid."


	6. Prompt: Complications and Chumps

**Because everyone liked the previous one so much, after a few more I'll do a part two. Maybe even develop into a story. I don't know. Anyway ...**

**And ideas, prompts, etc, pop them in a review!  
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**Prompt: Complications and Chumps.  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>There were complications with being a biotic. There were complications with being human, turian, asari or anything else, but hey, a biotic in anything meant big complications. Honest to God.<p>

Biotics were prone to releasing a small amount of static when touching metal, and whoever the bastard was that decided everything be made from metal was just a cruel, sadistic bastard. It hurt like hell to know that she really couldn't walk several steps without a small discharge, and the discharges ranged from a small spark to an all out pain ripping up her leg. That did make her quite worried about lightning storms. She could just see herself frying because of a small discharge in a heavy storm.

And then, there were the implants. Her aunt had reassured her they would help, help her to develop her powers, but she thought they were all fucking crazy and she had enough power that she didn't need help. They put her out of conscious thought and under the knife when she had pushed several doctors away, then threw her towards specialists to hone her abilities to a specific type. Bastards. Typical they all upped and went to work for Cerberus. Well, not when she got her hands on them.

_And then,_ there was the speculation from people about biotics and their abilities to read minds, or to control people, or be an outright _bitch_. She had read reports early in her Alliance career of mobs attacking biotics, which led to a lockdown on security when one of their own was killed. That was a fun trip. All the screening and whatnot. There were extremists, and then there was _her_. Some people didn't understand that.

And all the food they had to eat. Food didn't have much taste to her anyway, but she was just shovelling mountains of sugar into her mouth. And they always had to have energy drinks of some kind around whenever they hit the ground. She honestly thought for a while they were just trying to make her fat. At one stage, she honestly wrote a paper on how fat the Alliance was making their marines, then she realised all that running around got rid of the 'fat'. Safe to say, the paper never did make its way to an office of any sort.

Finally, she died, and was remade with the newer, flashier implants. L5x, or something, which made the first few hours of her life complete hell. She wasn't able to handle her gun properly, and continually had small 'explosions'. To say Jacob and Wilson were scared was an understatement. And they were biotics too. So, whatever. It wasn't like they were immune to that either.

But there were perks. The sex was great. The power was fucking _amazing_. She could lift just about anything without even moving a muscle, too. Hah, she always laughed to herself at that thought.

Although, with so much being weighed against her, she was glad he was there, even if he didn't want to admit it. Biotics stuck together, even if there was a certain amount of hate between them.

Love too, but love was for chumps in deep space.

Hmm, maybe she was a chump too.


	7. Prompt: Didn't see that one coming

**This popped into my head earlier. Ties in with my newest story. However, this is based in ME3.  
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**Prompt: Didn't see that one coming  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>"Come on, Annie, hold on, <em>hold on<em>. Shit, shit, Annie, _Annabelle_? Shit, shit, _shit_! Help me, please! Someone! Oh, God, Annie, hold on, _please_ hold on ..."

Shepard heard the cries before the husks. Running full pelt towards the source, team flying behind and taking out those blue bastards, she came to a screeching halt, landing ever so gracefully on her knees with a small grunt.

"Alenko, medi-gel, now!"

Her former lieutenant nodded, crouching down beside a crumpled form they could only assume was _Annabelle_. Another girl, the one they heard, sat beside her, weeping.

"What's your name?" Shepard asked gently. These situations always made her uncomfortable. She patted the girl's back as softly as she could.

"Je-Jennifer, ma'am. My-my sister, Annie ... you have to help her!"

Shepard couldn't help the niggling thought at the back of her mind, the leaden feeling in her stomach.

"We're doing all we can."

"No, no, no, you don't understand. Annie has to be alive. She has to."

"She's stabilizing," Alenko's small reassurance did nothing for the girl's frayed nerves.

"She needs to meet her sister. _We_ need to meet our sister. They said she would be here."

Sharing a frown with Alenko, Shepard put an arm around Jennifer. "Who's your sister, Jennifer?"

The girl looked up into Shepard's visor with a dead straight stare Shepard could be proud of. "Constatine Shepard."

Alenko paused, looking up at Shepard.

Moments ticked by, and Shepard pulled away from the girl.

Finally finding the function to form words after a few solid minutes of waving her hands around, all she could manage was a: "Oh my, God. _Jenny_?"

The only thing stopping Shepard from tackling _her sister_, was Annie's sudden convulsions.


	8. Prompt: Should have worded it better P2

**Part II of Shepard, Ashley and _the kid_.****  
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**Prompt: Should have worded it better part II  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>Shepard just stared at the unnaturally pink face, feeling incredibly unsure of how to approach such a thing.<p>

It was after all, _his son_. Well, he wasn't entirely sure if Ashley was telling the truth, but that woman didn't lie, so he just had to accept the fact that somewhere along the line in those weeks following Saren - maybe before Ilos -, the kid came into it.

He cringed. He shouldn't have been that harsh. Rephrase: _his kid_ came into it.

Three years. The kid was nearing three years. That did his head in. How was he supposed to explain to the kid that he was his dad?

The boy stared up at him. Ashley was standing off to the side, not at all helping the situation. She refused to intervene the _serious bonding time_. Shepard cursed her.

Crouching down, Shepard was thankful he wasn't armoured or armed. The toddler seemed quite animated in the face, unsure of what the big man was doing, and why he was getting so close.

However, Shepard did detect the slightest hint of recognition.

The kid toddled off in that fashion young children and the elderly had, causing Ashley to roll her eyes.

"You're hopeless."

"I'm a soldier, Ash. Kids don't generally like that sort of thing until four."

"How would you know?"

"I didn't like guns till then. I'm assuming."

A frown. Shepard grinned.

A tug on the sleeve of his shirt had him notice that the kid had returned, holding a frame in one hand. Offering it up to the giant, the boy stepped back, head tilted to the side, a different sort of intelligence there.

Shepard looked down at the holo, incredulous. Showing Ash, she just smiled.

"Well, I'm glad someone knows what's going on here."

Setting the frame on a table gently. Leaning in close to the kid, he grinned.

"Yeah, that's me."

The boy tackled Shepard into a hug, managing to cause the war-hardened soldier to sufficiently bruise elbows and limbs.

Awkwardly, Shepard patted the boys head. "Er, yeah, hi, Mason."

All he got was a grin.


	9. Prompt: Things that go bump in the night

**Because something exploded right outside my window, and I am absolutely terrified. And now the lights are flickering.  
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**Prompt: Things that go bump in the night  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>The little boy couldn't help crying at the noises. They sounded far too realistic. Too much like the vid he watched earlier that he knew he shouldn't have but his mother let him watch anyway. He was young, but he knew that his mother was doing it in spite of his father.<p>

_Daddy, where are you?_

The noises sounded like guns being fired. Real, live guns. In his house. The only gun he had ever seen in his life was his father's. And that was kept under lock and key. Maybe his mother had a key. That would make sense.

_Mummy? Mummy, where are you?_

The doorknob was jiggling. He threw the covers over his head, curled into a little ball and sobbed. The jiggling stopped. Silence.

_Arashu, help me._

A loud bang. He peered out from his covers, quickly. The door had been kicked in. A figure was standing in the doorway, breathing heavily.

_Kalahira, look after me._

"Come out, come out, wherever you are."

The man stepped into the room. The boy saw the second man, the shadow, before the first. The second man stood no chance.

Kolyat's father snapped the man's neck faster than deemed possible, and strode into the room.

He fell to his knees at the bedside, head bowed.

"Forgive me, Kolyat."

_Blood, he's covered in blood._


	10. Prompt: How can I break it down for you?

**Another 'it could have happened'. I have too much time on my hands. Clearly.  
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**Prompt: How can I break it down for you?  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>"Ms Lawson?"<p>

Miranda looked up from her computer, frowning at the woman before her. The woman began to sweat under the glare, her words lost. People often joked about how scary Operative Lawson was. Clearly, none had met her in the flesh.

"What is it?"

"I, I mean _we_ -"

"Your team?" It was an opening, and the woman gladly took it.

"Yes, my team. We, uh, well we discovered something. Something not entirely expected."

"Get to the point."

"We were running some tests, the usual, blood, muscle, bone, marrow, and these were the results."

A datapad was held out to Miranda like it was an offering for forgiveness. She wordlessly took it, eyes running over. Blood tests, taken prior to the crash and after. Meaningless details that had been done over and over, in case a certain ligament or bone did not belong to their project. They had all the pieces. This was almost useless. Almost because someone was bound to screw up _somewhere_.

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

"I recommend the last line, Ms Lawson. It should be, um, _interesting_."

Miranda raised an eyebrow, but allowed herself to read the last line. Over. And over. Thrice just to make sure.

"How?" She couldn't believe it. She thought she had one-up on the deceased.

"Well, I would have thought _you_ would know how ..."

"Not literally, idiot. All her previous medical reports said that it was impossible. The damage to her lower torso was irreparable years ago. After the attack on the Citadel, she sustained serious internal damage to her midsection. How is this possible?"

"Maybe the father had strong stuff?"

All the woman could remember was waking up in the infirmary several hours later. The datapad on her stomach had a rather serious message on it, with a majority of the previous data corrupted and unable to retrieve.

_Don't let this get out._


	11. Prompt: Can train just about anything

**Prompt: Can train just about anything  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>"Not now, Kaidan."<p>

The Spectre frowned, but continued following his charge - fellow Spectre and former Alliance Commander.

"You are supposed to be in the Terminus Systems - Anderson's orders."

"I said, _not now_, Kaidan."

They arrived at C-Sec, where a smug Bailey sat with his hands clasped on the desk. Shepard just gave him a scathing look, and the smirk vanished.

"He's in there." He nodded towards one of the holding cells. With her back turned, Bailey grinned, shaking his head.

Following Shepard to the holding cells, Kaidan raised his eyebrows at the sight of a krogan, of all thinks, seemingly sulking in the corner. Beside the krogan sat a young man, holding his jaw and grumbling about 'krogans cheating' and 'C-Sec ruining everything'.

The krogan raised his head, however, and Kaidan swore he seemed to shrink under the glare of the Commander. He had thought that the other guy was going to get Shepard's disapproval. Clearly, not.

"Battlemaster ..."

"I am very disappointed in you, Grunt. I am trying to get the Council on my side, and you _had_ to pick a fight. I am over this. Do you _know_ what this means, Grunt? You. Are. Grounded. We are dropping you off at Tuchanka and that's final."

Yep, the krogan definitely shrunk in on himself. Being 'grounded' seemed to not appeal to the alien. But Grunt remained silent, just nodding, and he earned a little credit for that much.

Kaidan turned to the Commander, not being able to help himself. "Train krogans for a living, or something?"


	12. Prompt: Mother in law

**In every fanfic I've read, Kaidan's mum appears to be this outwardly pushy woman, who is a secret badass. Did I miss something? Here is my contribution. Lacking the badassery, however.  
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**Prompt: Mother-in-Law = Woman Hitler  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
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><p>Bachelorette parties were supposedly fun. They involved lots of alcohol, supposedly, and on the odd occassion, male strippers. Well, not on the odd occassion, and Shepard only ever being to one particular bachelorette party (that swore her off them for the rest of her life), she had little experience in this, and had expected something quite like what she had seen on vids.<p>

Shepard had not been forewarned that they would never end up leaving the restaurant the moment Kaidan's mother arrived.

She forced another smile as the elderly woman fluttered her hands over Jack and her lack of clothing. Hey, they managed to convince her to get in a dress, and Shepard _knew_ that Jack would never, ever touch another dress again, just because of this night.

"Oh, dear. You sure you don't want a jacket? We don't want men looking at you like some_ dirty whore_."

Shepard pressed her hands together, and silently pleaded with Jack to just deal with it.

Miranda wasn't having much luck either, with Mrs. Alenko frowning at her dress and the amount of skin it didn't quite cover. The girl was ... _busty_. Big deal. Blame her father if it was _that_ much of a problem.

"It doesn't really cover much, does it, dear?"

Kasumi appeared to be the only one with the correct amount of skin showing, and thanked Mrs. Alenko, commenting on the fact that she deeply admired her ring. A stern look from Shepard made sure that ring stayed on Mrs. Alenko's person.

Whilst Miranda, Jack and Kasumi were used to the odd pokes and snide comments about their particular dress, Shepard and Tali were in the deep end. Never having a certain leisure outfit outside of the Alliance, Shepard felt like a small girl in her little black dress. And Tali, with her poor health and lack of knowledge about humans in _this_ particular area, floundered considerably.

When Mrs. Alenko excused herself from the table, the first question on everyone's tongue was "_Who invited _her_?_"

Or, the big question, _when did she find out?_

The women eyed each other suspiciously, considering making a break for it in the mean time. Their opportunity for making a run was diminished, however, when Mrs. Alenko returned, arm-in-arm with a petite, dark-skinned woman.

Shepard narrowed her eyes, recognising the nemesis in an instant. _Rahna_.


	13. Prompt: And then he saw her

**This is one pairing I support whole-heartedly.  
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**Prompt: And then he saw her  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
><strong>

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><p>As the <em>Normandy<em>, battered but operational, pulled up alongside the _Neema_, Kal had to admit that he was relieved, just as much - if not more - than everyone else.

Decontamination took hours, but he stood by like the good little soldier he was, closer to the airlock door than others dare venture, however. He wasn't scared. Haestrom had helped that feeling. Amongst others.

He kept that thought to himself.

More of his people pressed forward as the telltale hiss of the airlock opening occured. A sharp turn of his head had them take a step back. He couldn't blame them, but he didn't want an accident.

The Commander pressed through, pleased that _finally_, they were allowed on board. Kal nodded his greetings, and the Commander responded with a slap to his shoulder, and a nod. Kal didn't miss the wink either, and was grateful for the dark helm he wore.

Several others, a turian, a krogan, an asari, a _drell_, and several more humans followed. The flotilla would accomodate them, somehow, but they would.

He didn't spot her, and despite the news that they had been granted before, he couldn't help the panic settling in his gut.

A sharp _"wait for me!"_ resounded, and Kal grinned at the voice.

He caught the purple blur as she tripped out of the airlock. He restrained himself from hugging her, or anything that would reflect on them badly, but he couldn't deny the fact that, _hell_, he had missed her.

"Careful there, ma'am, wouldn't want you hurting yourself."

She straightened herself up, and smiled shyly. "Kal."

"Ma'am." He gave a small bow.

He could feel her glare. He corrected himself. "_Tali_."


	14. Prompt: Thane is going to die

**Title shouldn't put you off, I hope. Little bit of humour based off a picture and a conversation.  
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**Prompt: Thane is going to die.  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>If there was one thing Shepard was certain about, it was going to be Thane's fate that night.<p>

There was no way in hell he was going to survive the night.

Why, one might wonder. Well, Shepard would be quite pleased to break it down for anyone who asked the morning after when they all decided to pick themselves up off the floor.

To put it simply, _Thane is going to die._

Why?

He stole a beer. And not just any beer.

_Tali's beer._

You don't get away with stealing Tali's beer. Tali's. Beer. Her name is even written on the label. So everyone would know it was_ her_ _beer_.

And because she has a shotgun. Which charges and fires faster than a man could blink, because she rigged that baby to go when her beer went missing. Which it did.

And she's Dextro-DNA. Haven't you heard of Dextro-DNA? Anyone without it can't touch anything with it. Well, ingest the food and drinks anyway.

To put it simply, again:

That beer is going to kill Thane.

If Tali doesn't get to him first.


	15. Prompt: The Exploding Kind

**Team-bonding, of sorts, with my new Shepard, who I made about two hours before writing this.**** Yep.  
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**Prompt: The Exploding Kind.  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, the effect would be massive.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>"So, <em>Commander<em> ..."

Shepard looked up briefly to see who had intervened on her private time. The crew knew that when Shepard's door was shut, she was not to be disturbed. However, everyone felt the incessant need to ignore the common knowledge, and barge in.

"Yes, Jack? What part of the galaxy needs blowing up today?"

She was kidding, of course. Well, only partially. Jack had found it hilarious that Shepard had quite a knack at blowing things up. She had taken her 'pussy' statement back without a second thought.

And so, whenever someone had dire need of seeing fireworks, Shepard was the first person they called. Zaeed next, because they all thought the exploding refinery was his idea, and that was _awesome_.

Except Shepard. She singed quite a lot of hair in an attempt to save everyone. Zaeed had been benched for quite some time after that.

"Oh, nothing. I mean, there is this Batarian system that have been sitting there for quite some time ..."

"Har har. No, I think one system is enough. Two will get me kicked out of the nice bars. And no one wants that."

"True." Jack perched herself on Shepard's desk, feet kicking the back of Shepard's chair. She looked around the room, seemingly unaware that she was really pissing the Commander off.

With a frustrated sigh, Shepard glared at Jack. "Really? We are not three years old, Jack."

"But _muuuuum_, I found this new toy and I want to try it _ouuuuut_."

Shepard visibly bristled under the nickname, and shook her head. "No."

"It's a _booooommmbbbb_." Jack dragged out each letter as she patted the pockets of her pants in an attempt to find said bomb.

"And you've misplaced it."

"No. If I had misplaced it, the Cheerleader wouldn't be alive. Here it is!"

Shepard had to admire just how shiny and new the device looked. She held it gently in her hands, turning it over slowly. Shepard looked at Jack suspiciously. "Where did you find it?"

"That last Eclipse base we raided."

"And you sure it's a bomb?"

"Oh yeah."

A pause.

"_Weeeeell_, some Blue Suns have been messing around at dig sites, so I suppose it couldn't hurt ..."

"I win."


End file.
